This year, 4th August was an extremely busy day – I was working at my venue from 8am until 1am at our first proper wedding reception of the year. It was a long old day, very challenging at times due to a lovely but inexperienced catering company, but it ended up very successful indeed. The bride & groom were chuffed to bits, and left with beaming smiles on their faces.
4th August 2010 was a very different kettle of fish. It was the horrible day that I lost my Dad. I’ve mentioned him a few times on the blog, especially on the About Page, as it’s really defined who I am as a person now. Losing a parent must never be easy, but when you’re only 20, and he’s only 54, it hits you like a London bus. That Wednesday is a day that will unfortunately be imprinted in my mind forever; I wish I could forget it but I can’t.
When I realised that I would have to work on the anniversary this year, I panicked. I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to hold things together at the wedding reception, and I wouldn’t have any time to actually remember my Dad during the day. My second worry was realised as I really didn’t have a chance to even grab a quiet five minutes to sit and think. But I think that might have been a good thing.
I was so wrapped up in the happy memories being created on the day that I didn’t let myself get upset and feel the grief all over again – the bride and groom looked so pleased posing for photographs on the Main Steps, their first dance was unforgettable (a fully choreographed swing routine!) and her Dad looked so proud. I did shed a little tear before I fell asleep that night but other than that, no awful flood of emotions came pouring out as I had expected. It was hard to not feel guilty; I am and always will be devastated about losing my Dad who I was incredibly close to. But I had almost let the anniversary pass me by.
My partner and I spent Sunday together and had a lovely roast dinner at our favourite local restaurant. We raised a glass to my Dad, came home and watched a film. My partner is incredibly supportive and offered me a shoulder to cry on and asked if I wanted to chat about Dad. But for some reason I didn’t. It almost feels like I’ve gone into shutdown to deal with the anniversary.
I just wanted to share this with my readers as I’m sure there are other people out there who have gone through the same thing. I’m always keen to speak to others who have experienced losing a parent, it makes me realise that I’m not alone in this. It’s always been such a raw feeling of grief but now I just feel numb.
Feel free to drop me a line or leave a comment below.
(featured image sourced here)